party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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