jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
