so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
