and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
