Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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