8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
