dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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