Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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