There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
