everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
