no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
