I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
