She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
