I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
