I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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