I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
