My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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