How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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