Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
