I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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