how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
