I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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