I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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