I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
