Pregnant stripper...not hot.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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