do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
