i already hear my dad disowning me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need to calm my uterus...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
