Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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