I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
