i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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