In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
