Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
