This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just want nice things and good sex
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
