Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
