My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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