We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
