Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
