Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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