Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
