sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
