If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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