Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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