walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
