Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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