Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize