She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
