you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I skipped work to stalk him.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
