He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
