I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
