What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
