did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
