why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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