uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
