My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
