I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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