I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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