Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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