There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
