I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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