Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
