She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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