Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
