Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
